On Missing Them

Last week, I started a book called "Songs for the Missing", and I absolutely knew that it was going to break my heart.

I was right, but not in the way you would think, not even in the way that I thought.

The book is about a missing girl, and the way her family deals with the fallout of her going missing, and simply about them missing her.

The situation is certainly heartbreaking, but what broke me was what I read between the lines. Her Dad was my undoing, because he reminded me of my Dad. His name was even Ed. He was a tireless individual, doing everything he could to find his daughter. He would have done anything for his family, the way my Dad always did.

Time going on was also my undoing. The missing girl's younger sister grew up, time went on. Everybody moved on. Time marched on.

Time marches on here, too.
Ella will turn 14 in a few months.
11 days later, Josie will turn 3.

In July, it will be 2 years without my Dad.
On my 37th birthday, Grandpa Bruce will have been gone a whole year.

Time marches on, but it only takes a memory to make it stand painfully still.

One whiff of Caress body wash, and I'm immediately back in grade school, in my Dad's house.
One taste of an Alpine strawberry, and Ella and I are visiting my parents in 2016, following my Dad around his garden, while he shows us everything.

All I have to do is hear "Faded Love" on a violin, and I'm in Grandpa Bruce's living room, watching him play.
Every time I make potato soup, I can still hear him tell me that it's not really potato soup unless I add carrots and celery.

Tonight, the memories are too much. I'm doubled over, crying.
I spent so much time as a loss Mom, who grieved the babies she didn't get to know.
I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to grieve two people I knew very very well. There are so many memories. So many reminders. So much that can absolutely wreck me.

One thing I learned from missing my babies is that there is no easy "over" here.
There is only through.

On snowy nights like this, when I cry for the two men who have shaped my life so much...I have to cry. I have to allow myself to feel this, even if it's terrible and frightening. Because it won't ALWAYS be terrible and frightening. It won't ALWAYS be so dark. I know there's going to be a day when I can look at pictures of Dad and not miss him with such despair. There's going to be a day when I drive past Grandpa's house and not cry.

Until then, I live my life. I hang tight to the fact that as long as someone is missed and loved, they are not really gone. I live the best parts of them and adhere them to my person. I honor their memory.

In that way, they are eternal.

Happy Homemaker Monday: January 27, 2020

Good afternoon, friends. I'm actually at work, typing up this post, and it's been that kind of day. (I had most of the post completed and then it deleted)

The Weather: Honestly, kind of sketchy. We're under a winter weather advisory today, but I don't think we will get anything. Looking ahead, there is a 63 degree day next week. Dare I dream? I dare, I dare :)

How I Am Feeling This Morning: Well, it's afternoon, and I'm feeling pretty good.

On My Mind: Thankfully, not too much. The start of dahlia season, but that is a ways off yet. Hoping tonight's dinner (currently in the crockpot) turns out.

On the breakfast plate: Two British digestive biscuits with milk chocolate, some cucumbers and hummus. I'm absolutely not a breakfast person.

On my reading pile: You know the book that I was going to finish this week? (Songs for the Missing). Yeah...that didn't happen. But I am absolutely going to carve out some reading time tonight. I was right. It IS breaking my heart.
After I finish that, I'm going to start A Man Called Ove. I'm late to the party with that one, but with losing Dad and then Grandpa Bruce, all within a year and a half, I wasn't sure my heart could take it. But, I am going to face it head on and read it.

On my TV: Young Justice, which is not my cup of tea, but I'm watching an episode a day with my teenager.  The things I do for my kids.
A friend recommended Dirty John (on Netflix) to me, and since I love me some crime, I'm going to check it out.
I watched that Chris Watts movie on Lifetime this weekend, and it's still got me shaken. I don't understand how someone could hurt their family that way.

On the menu this week: 
Monday: Pork Carnitas, taco fixins
Tuesday: My Dad's Sausage and Cabbage Stew
Wednesday: Ricotta Rotini
Thursday: Creamy Angel Chicken, Egg Noodles
Friday: Beef and Broccoli, Rice
Saturday: Zuppa Toscana
Sunday: Pork Medallions and Potatoes, Gravy

From the Camera:

Things were a touch icy here this weekend!

Looking Around The House: It looks so much better...but I'm actually at work...and it looks pretty good here too :)

Chore I'm Not Looking Forward To This Week: Reorganizing and scrubbing the kitchen. Sigh. It needs to be done, and I'm picky about the way the kitchen looks, so I'll be the one doing it...with help from Ella, because she's my most responsible child.

To relax this week, I will: Read. Maybe do some painting or lettering.

On my prayer list: 
My pregnant friends, that they may all have healthy babies
The families of those lost in the helicopter crash in California
A friend of mine who has an important job interview tomorrow

Bible Verse/Devotional/Quote:

Have a beautiful week, friends!

On Giving a Damn

Today I saw this quote...

And at first, I thought, "Right on!"
But then it started to bother me. And bother me. And even after I walked away from the laptop, it was still bothering me.

At one point, many years ago, I didn't give a damn. And I wasn't happy.

And then I did give a damn. Too much, in fact, and about all of the wrong things. And I wasn't happy then either.

Honestly, I think you have to care. You have to "give a damn."

If we don't care about ourselves, that throws our life out of balance. If we don't care about others, the world becomes a pretty sad place.

There are things we shouldn't care about. The weight of other people's judgments. Other people's wrong opinions about us. Those were things I used to care about greatly. If someone said something negative about me, it threw me into a tailspin. After a while, after some growing up and soul searching and realizing that those people are just as messed up as I am, it just didn't matter anymore. Somewhere, I read that "what other people think of you is none of your business, " and it isn't. If someone thinks I'm a great person, great. If they don't, that's great too.

But on the whole, the world is a nicer place and we are nicer people if we care. There is too much wrong on this planet not to.

So, please, give a damn.

At least a little.

Happy Homemaker Monday: January 20, 2020

Even with the new blog, I've decided to come back to doing these little posts, because they make me happy.

The Weather:
It's cold! We've had some unexpected snow (the forecast didn't make a peep about snow, and I woke up to an inch and a half on the ground). The roads are absolutely horrific today. Thankfully, after tomorrow, the temperatures are supposed to steadily climb into the 40's, which I will happily take over teens and lower 20's.

How I am feeling this morning: 
Grateful. We have a warm house to sleep in, the pipes didn't freeze. My husband has a job, I have a job. The kids are cared for and happy. We live in a beautiful part of the country. Physically, I am just a little tired.

On my mind: 
Some plumbing stuff I need replaced this week. It's not a big deal, and it shouldn't cost too much. The project I've got going on with rearranging the living room/making a playspace for Josie. Buying a new couch.

On the breakfast plate:
Breakfast food in the morning is not my friend. I had a few potato chips and some crab rangoon dip (don't judge, ha!) It was a nice little breakfast.

On my reading pile:
Songs for the Missing by Stewart O'Nan
I just started this book, and I can already tell it's going to break my heart.
Since it's so awful outside, maybe I can get some reading done after my chores.

On my T.V.
This week's episode of "Dare Me".
Also, I am already impatient for the next episode of "Lincoln Rhyme: Hunt for The Bone Collector" to come out. I'm a huge fan of the books, and the wait for the next episode is killllllling me.
We just finished Zumbo's Just Desserts. No spoilers, but I was not a happy camper at the end.

On the menu this week: 
Monday: My grandmother's vegetable soup
Tuesday: Hamburger Helper, salad
Wednesday: Slow Cooker Chicken Soup
Thursday: Stromboli, Salad
Friday: Crockpot Cheesy Potato Soup
Saturday: Cauliflower Kuku
Sunday: Pork Tacos

From the camera: 

The Sphinx spent some time trekking through the fresh snow.

Looking around the house: 
It's definitely in need of TLC, so that's what I'll be doing today, before work and after.

Chore I'm not looking forward to this week: 
The living room carpet. I've hated this carpet since we moved in the house. It's coming up this Spring and I'm not even sad about it. Meanwhile, I have to clean it...ugh.

To relax this week, I will
Read my book, my goal is to finish it this week. I've only had it about three weeks, ha.

On my prayer list: 
I have a few friends that need God's guidance. My Mom in Wisconsin, as always. This whole world...it's a mess.

Devotional/Bible Verse/Quote

Have a beautiful week!!!

Replanting Myself

I've had my other blog for almost a decade. I started it when we moved to North Carolina, and I was struggling so hard to find my place in the world, as a Christian, as a wife, a mom, a person.

I moved from the Chicago area to a relatively conservative part of North Carolina. I discovered a deeper relationship with God here, and learned a whole lot about myself. But I also wanted so badly to fit in with other people that I changed a big part of myself.

While my transformation from reckless twentysomething year old to a more modest wife and mother was absolutely necessary, I think that I went too far.

God never meant for my free spirit to be confined by the ideas of other people. When I made the decision to stop dressing a certain way, the decision was mine to make. And then I welcomed other people in that decision, and into my relationship with God. That was a mistake, and it's a mistake I've since learned from.

The last year of my life, I struggled to get back to writing my thoughts down on my blog and it never felt quite right because I no longer felt like I belonged. On my own blog.

So, much like God replanted me here in the mountains almost a decade ago, I'm replanting myself in a new space.

A few months after my Dad died, I had a dream about him. I was sitting in a lawn chair in the garden space at work and he was walking toward me. He got close to my lawn chair and looked me in the eye.
He leaned down and said, "You have to come back."

Come back where? To Illinois? To Wisconsin?

No.

To God. To myself.

So, here I am.

As you were.