Reclaiming Myself and Where Have I Been?

 I've been here. Except not. In an effort to understand myself better, I've taken some time off of here and most of the socials (except for Instagram because I talk to myself in stories, it's free therapy ha) 

Last week, I had a conversation with a stranger and it showed me that my self esteem is still very much a mess from 6 years ago, which led me to do an emotional deep dive...and think about what's healthy and unhealthy for me. 

What happened over the last 6 years hasn't been my fault: not the pandemic, not the infidelity, not Hurricane Helene, or my mentor's health issues, or my own health issues last Fall. But the way I've reacted to any and all of it has been so unhealthy, and I need to own that. 

So, little by little, I'm doing more of the things that I love and putting order to my emotions, and my house, and my life. It's been a lot of saying "no" to things and people and places. It's been a lot of saying "no" to myself. too. 

Slowly but surely I am getting to where I need to be. I should be back on Sunday with my weekly picture post, and on Monday with Happy Homemaker Monday, and maybe one day a recipe or something fun. It's hard to create when you're living in survival mode, but I'm determined to leave that mode behind. 

I just wanted to tell everybody I'm not pulling a disappearing act. I'm still here. I'm just processing. 

Meanwhile, enjoy these pictures of flowers from the past few weeks. 

I'm Terrible At Blogging.

 It's been over a year. 

So much has changed. Ella is 20 (WHAT), and Goose is 9 (DOUBLE WHAT)

I miss my littler corner or the blogosphere. I miss writing, and drawing and taking pictures and living. 

Let me tell you guys, finding out you're being cheated on in your marriage sucks. Letting other people into your life, even on a friend level, then finding out they're completely awful also sucks. Add to it a hurricane, having to become a home-health aide (not really, I'm still a farmer, but my mentor is 93 and so much stuff is dumped off on me) overnight, while keeping up all responsibilities...oof. 

It's been downright depressing, and to be honest, I've been depressed. I was in church today, and the realization was this: other than God, NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE ME. I have to pray, yes, but I also have to kick myself in the butt and pick myself up. 

For two decades, I made excuses for my daughters' Dad, but the fact is, he is who he is, and I'm done protecting him, on social media and in real life. It is what it is, he is who he is. I have to be better than that, and since I've always been the stability in the girls' lives, it's not that hard. 

But, full disclosure, I had to apologize to my daughters tonight. I haven't been the Mom they've deserved, and that's not okay. I'm adult enough to realize when I have to make amends. Ella, at 20, has always been my stoic and quiet kid, and she just said, "It's not your fault, Mom." Goose, at 9, my wild child, said, "I know I haven't always been the best daughter." 

And guys, I don't deserve these kids. I lucked out so hard. Because when all of this was said and done, we went on the swings and hooted and hollered and played "Cowboy, Take Me Away" and laughed way too much. I had a moment of pure unfiltered JOY on that dumb swing. It's all still out there. It may have gotten lost somewhere between infidelity and emotional abuse and manipulation and just straight up despression, but it's still there. 

And my kids need their Mom. 

At the end of the day, I'm all they've got. 

Mental health and what the sunset has to do with it.

 On December 2nd, right as it was getting ridiculously cold, I decided that for the sake of my mental health, I was going to get out every evening at sunset and photograph the sky, even if there was nothing to photograph. 

I read somewhere that getting outside, getting out of the house, just standing outside...it's good for you. 

I'm proud to say that I have kept to my promise, even if there were days where I stood on my front porch with a camera, and didn't venture out. Below zero temps are no joke, folks. 

I will say that I've noticed a difference, and that I look forward to my sunset walks. Sometimes, one or both of my girls will come. Sometimes, it's just me. Sometimes, Haroldeen (the cat who showed up at my house a few years back) will join me. 

Anyway, all of this to say that some evenings there is no sunset. Some evenings it's so foggy I can't see my hand in front of my face. Sometimes I gasp and gawk. But I'm out there every evening...and I love every evening. 

Please enjoy these pictures that I've taken here and there. 

This isn't the sunset but it's from tonight's sunset walk. Goose and Haroldeen. 

This is the beginning of sunset, this evening. 

This is the other day. The sky was the color of cotton candy. 

Late January

Also January. Pretty sure that was the day we were heading for below zero temps. What on earth I was doing on the running trail I'll never know. 

December. There wasn't much of a sunset that day, but the sky was so, so pretty. 

Also December. Just a little hint of pink. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is please find whatever little shred or scrap of joy you can, and hang on to it. I feel like we're all struggling right now, for one reason or another. Maybe it's always been that way, and I never noticed it before. But I can see how tired people's eyes are, whether it's in line at the grocery or while I'm out on the running trail. Life is hard, folks...and we should treat ourselves and each other kindly. 

Take care of yourselves