I'm Terrible At Blogging.

 It's been over a year. 

So much has changed. Ella is 20 (WHAT), and Goose is 9 (DOUBLE WHAT)

I miss my littler corner or the blogosphere. I miss writing, and drawing and taking pictures and living. 

Let me tell you guys, finding out you're being cheated on in your marriage sucks. Letting other people into your life, even on a friend level, then finding out they're completely awful also sucks. Add to it a hurricane, having to become a home-health aide (not really, I'm still a farmer, but my mentor is 93 and so much stuff is dumped off on me) overnight, while keeping up all responsibilities...oof. 

It's been downright depressing, and to be honest, I've been depressed. I was in church today, and the realization was this: other than God, NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE ME. I have to pray, yes, but I also have to kick myself in the butt and pick myself up. 

For two decades, I made excuses for my daughters' Dad, but the fact is, he is who he is, and I'm done protecting him, on social media and in real life. It is what it is, he is who he is. I have to be better than that, and since I've always been the stability in the girls' lives, it's not that hard. 

But, full disclosure, I had to apologize to my daughters tonight. I haven't been the Mom they've deserved, and that's not okay. I'm adult enough to realize when I have to make amends. Ella, at 20, has always been my stoic and quiet kid, and she just said, "It's not your fault, Mom." Goose, at 9, my wild child, said, "I know I haven't always been the best daughter." 

And guys, I don't deserve these kids. I lucked out so hard. Because when all of this was said and done, we went on the swings and hooted and hollered and played "Cowboy, Take Me Away" and laughed way too much. I had a moment of pure unfiltered JOY on that dumb swing. It's all still out there. It may have gotten lost somewhere between infidelity and emotional abuse and manipulation and just straight up despression, but it's still there. 

And my kids need their Mom. 

At the end of the day, I'm all they've got.